The following is a transcript of my recent interview with Koo Koo Bonkers.
Hey, Kelly. How are you?
KKB: “This is a classic case of systematic bullying. You are threatening me.”
KKB: “Are too. But we’ll take the hay out to the barn and feed it to the cats. Barn cats love hay.”
Okaay. So, do you want to talk about the current season of RHoNY?
KKB: “I don’t think anyone should diagnose something as ‘current’. You’re not a network executive. (Eats gummy bears) Bethenny is deranged.”
What are you doing?
KKB: “Making angels on your floor.”
It’s ceramic tile.
KKB: “Clearly, I bring space down to my level. “
KKB: “I don’t believe anyone but a doctor should diagnose someone as ‘deranged'”.
You just called Bethenny deranged for the millionth time.
KKB: “I graduated from Columbia.”
And? Would you please stop pulling my stuffed duck apart? My kids gave me that.
KKB: “Stuffed animal feather earrings are going to be my next jewelry line. A-mazing. They’ll be HOT.”
I thought you were into hot gluing stuffed animals to chairs?
KKB: (Sighs) “That was last season. And the girls asked me to stop massacring their stuffed animals. I made them cry. I made them cry. I made them cry.”
Ah. Would you please stop chewing on your greasy hair? It’s really disgusting.
KKB: “Ramona is the disgusting one. She takes every sip of Pinot Grigio out of the SAME GLASS. The Countess is offended.”
LuAnn is a pretentious snob.
KKB: “Please. You must refer to her as “The Countess”. She has a completely meaningless title.”
I’m not calling her “The Countess”.
KKB: “And you don’t know her like I do. Just the other day, we were sucking down shots of Patrone while Jacques was painting her toenails and her daughter was huffing the acetone and making a swastika armband and she told me that if she hadn’t married a Count, she would have been perfectly happy marrying Prince Charles. See, that isn’t pretentious.”
KKB: “Of course not. Pretentious is an ugly color.”
It’s not a color.
KKB: “Is too. My BFF Jill Zarin stocks that color down at Zarin Fabrics, which is located at 116 Get A Real Life Street in Harlem.”
Nice subtle plug you inserted there.
KKB: “It’s my job to be organically friendly with everyone.”
I thought your job was to play the loon on a reality show?
KKB: “That, too. Bethenny is not a cook.”
We know. She’s a chef.
KKB: (Eats jelly beans. Stares out window at pigeon.)
KKB: “It’s not Ms. Bensimon, you know. It’s Ms. Killoren. If you call me Ms. Bensimon again, I’m contacting my web designer.“
I didn’t call you either one.
KKB: “Yes, you did. I know you did, before I came in. That’s why I came in. I have to police everyone every second…”
Not to change the subject, but to change the subject, are you ever going to get those wonky boobs fixed?
KKB: (Looks down at chest) “What wonky boobs? Honestly, I don’t think we should discuss this. I didn’t sleep around America like Bethenny did.”
Bethenny didn’t say she slept around America.
KKB: “Did too.”
She did not. YOU said she slept around America.
KKB: “That’s it. I’m contacting my website designer.”
To…send me a misspelled message?
KKB: “I went to Alex’s birthday party on Governor’s Island and it was cold. Honestly, I don’t know why Simon didn’t control the weather, if he had to have a party. And they were both socializing with people who are so above them.”
KKB: “Yes. We’re up here and they are down there. In Brooklyn. Alex actually works for a living. It’s so bourgeois.”
Did you have Kool-Aid at LuAnn’s house recently?
KKB: “Oh, it’s a new drink I’ve invented. KoolAid powder and water. You mix them together. It’s SO good. A-mazing. Authentic. Organic.”
Kool-Aid isn’t organic.
KKB: “Is too. Of course, I add shots of Patrone when the girls aren’t looking.”
Sigh. How’s your puppy?
KKB: “I’m glad you brought that up. Chief was viciously attacked by a Chihuahua in the Hamptons.”
Isn’t Chief a German Shepherd?
KKB: “You know, you really aren’t qualified to call Chief a German Shepherd. Are you a vet?”
KKB: “I graduated from Columbia.”
So you keep claiming.
KKB: “Oh, look, a butterfly! That’s my next jewelry design, making earrings out of butterfly wings. I must catch it and add it to my growing stock. (Runs off into traffic)
Disclaimer: This interview is completely fictional. We mention that because we know Kelly will believe she actually gave it otherwise.
Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife, the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.