A Little Space Cadet, Anyone?

The following is a transcript of my recent interview with Koo Koo Bonkers.

KKB: “Hiiiiiiiii.”

Hey, Kelly. How are you?

KKB: “This is a classic case of systematic bullying. You are threatening me.”

Am not.

KKB: “Are too. But we’ll take the hay out to the barn and feed it to the cats. Barn cats love hay.”

Okaay. So, do you want to talk about the current season of RHoNY?

KKB: “I don’t think anyone should diagnose something as ‘current’. You’re not a network executive. (Eats gummy bears) Bethenny is deranged.”

What are you doing?

KKB: “Making angels on your floor.”

It’s ceramic tile.

KKB: “Clearly, I bring space down to my level. “

Clearly.

KKB: “I don’t believe anyone but a doctor should diagnose someone as ‘deranged’”.

You just called Bethenny deranged for the millionth time.

KKB: “I graduated from Columbia.”

And? Would you please stop pulling my stuffed duck apart? My kids gave me that.

KKB: “Stuffed animal feather earrings are going to be my next jewelry line. A-mazing. They’ll be HOT.”

I thought you were into hot gluing stuffed animals to chairs?

KKB: (Sighs) “That was last season. And the girls asked me to stop massacring their stuffed animals. I made them cry. I made them cry. I made them cry.”

Ah. Would you please stop chewing on your greasy hair? It’s really disgusting.

KKB: “Ramona is the disgusting one. She takes every sip of Pinot Grigio out of the SAME GLASS. The Countess is offended.”

LuAnn is a pretentious snob.

KKB: “Please. You must refer to her as “The Countess”. She has a completely meaningless title.”

I’m not calling her “The Countess”.

KKB: “And you don’t know her like I do. Just the other day, we were sucking down shots of Patrone while Jacques was painting her toenails and her daughter was huffing the acetone and making a swastika armband and she told me that if she hadn’t married a Count, she would have been perfectly happy marrying Prince Charles. See, that isn’t pretentious.”

It isn’t?

KKB: “Of course not. Pretentious is an ugly color.”

It’s not a color.

KKB: “Is too. My BFF Jill Zarin stocks that color down at Zarin Fabrics, which is located at 116 Get A Real Life Street in Harlem.”

Nice subtle plug you inserted there.

KKB: “It’s my job to be organically friendly with everyone.”

I thought your job was to play the loon on a reality show?

KKB: “That, too. Bethenny is not a cook.”

We know. She’s a chef.

KKB: (Eats jelly beans. Stares out window at pigeon.)

Ummm…Kelly?

KKB: “It’s not Ms. Bensimon, you know. It’s Ms. Killoren. If you call me Ms. Bensimon again, I’m contacting my web designer.

I didn’t call you either one.

KKB: “Yes, you did. I know you did, before I came in. That’s why I came in. I have to police everyone every second…”

Not to change the subject, but to change the subject, are you ever going to get those wonky boobs fixed?

KKB: (Looks down at chest) “What wonky boobs? Honestly, I don’t think we should discuss this. I didn’t sleep around America like Bethenny did.”

Bethenny didn’t say she slept around America.

KKB: “Did too.”

She did not. YOU said she slept around America.

KKB: “That’s it. I’m contacting my website designer.”

To…send me a misspelled message?

KKB: “I went to Alex’s birthday party on Governor’s Island and it was cold. Honestly, I don’t know why Simon didn’t control the weather, if he had to have a party. And they were both socializing with people who are so above them.”

Above them?

KKB: “Yes. We’re up here and they are down there. In Brooklyn. Alex actually works for a living. It’s so bourgeois.”

Did you have Kool-Aid at LuAnn’s house recently?

KKB: “Oh, it’s a new drink I’ve invented. KoolAid powder and water. You mix them together. It’s SO good. A-mazing. Authentic. Organic.”

Kool-Aid isn’t organic.

KKB: “Is too. Of course, I add shots of Patrone when the girls aren’t looking.”

Sigh. How’s your puppy?

KKB: “I’m glad you brought that up. Chief was viciously attacked by a Chihuahua in the Hamptons.”

Isn’t Chief a German Shepherd?

KKB: “You know, you really aren’t qualified to call Chief a German Shepherd. Are you a vet?”

Are you?

KKB: “I graduated from Columbia.”

So you keep claiming.

KKB: “Oh, look, a butterfly! That’s my next jewelry design, making earrings out of butterfly wings. I must catch it and add it to my growing stock. (Runs off into traffic)


Disclaimer: This interview is completely fictional. We mention that because we know Kelly will believe she actually gave it otherwise.

Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife, the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

Posted in Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Real Housewives of New York | Tagged , | 3 Comments

For The Little Crazy In Every Woman…

Kiki’s Twitter attempt to make herself out to be a budding perfume mogul irritated me a tiny bit, so here’s a computer wallpaper for ya all. (Click on image to enlarge.)

Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife, the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

Posted in Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Real Housewives of New York | Leave a comment

Perfumes And Royal Weddings, Oh My…

Kelly’s Tweet:

kellybensimon: The taxi drover (drover? They still have drovers in NY?) said,’ i need to tell you something… You are wearing nice perfume.” And its my own made by givardon
Yes, folks, it’s true. Reportedly, Kwazy Kewwy is launching her own perfume line, made by Givardon. (Not to be confused with Givaudan, who makes the really good stuff like Obsession, L’ Air du Temps, and Poison.)
Rumor has it that the perfume will debut on April 1 of next year, and is a scent combination of plastic horse polish and wet loon feathers, with a tiny infusion of cat pee-tailormade for the ‘hippiechic’, indecisive schizophrenic in all of us.
(Sorry, Bethenny, but I couldn’t resist. And you know she’d copy your logo, anyway.)

In other “anything for a mention in the press”  Housewives news, Countess LuAnn DeLesseps has chimed in to offer her opinion of what Catherine Middleton will wear at her upcoming nuptials to Prince William.
Says Countess Manners: “I think she’ll [Kate]  go traditional, but she will have her own modern edge.”
Well, no duh, Countess. Kate’s only been combining traditional and modern in her dress choices for the last eight years, for one thing. For another,  this IS a wedding in Westminster Abbey (the traditional church of traditional churches) with the Queen (the traditional monarch of traditional monarchs) standing by. There really isn’t much chance Kate will turn up in a Skweez corset and leggings. But, hey, thanks for the incisive input there.
Finally, after getting her ass handed to her in a phone poll on “Watch What Happens Live” the other night, the Jilldonna requested a recount.
Yeah, I said it. A recount. Of an after hours talk show phone in poll. Guess what? She still lost. Don’t ya just love it?

Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife, the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

(Please forgive any weird spacing and lack of paragraphs. It’s not me, WordPress is wonky today.)

Stay tuned…

Posted in Jill Zarin, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, LuAnn DeLesseps, Real Housewives of New York | 1 Comment

A Note To Alex McCord…and Spanky McGunvalson

Vicki Gunvalson, what the hell were you thinking?

Vicki says:

“I know some of you may think spanking Danielle was out of line, (No!) but it was all in fun and she told me afterward that she understood me being upset. I have known Danielle since she was in third grade, and she is best friends with Briana. She had been slacking off at her job recently, and she kept making excuses for showing up late, leaving work to do errands, or get tea and then not returning back to work when she told me she would. I love her like my own daughter, and although I don’t think spanking a 23 year old is ever appropriate, it at least showed her how serious I was.  Since her “spanking,” she has not let me down yet, and I’m confident that was a huge life lesson for her. We laugh about it now and she says to me, “Only you could spank me and somehow I’m OK with it.”

(Click image to view clip.)

Okay, Vic. You can come up with all the excuses you want, but here’s the bottom line: You. Don’t. Lay. Hands. On. An. Employee. Ever. It doesn’t matter if she was slacking off, it doesn’t matter if you have known her since third grade, it doesn’t matter if she is Briana’s friend, it doesn’t matter how lightly you touched her, and it doesn’t matter if she said she was okay with it.

Spanking an employee, humiliating an employee, making suggestive remarks to an employee, walking in on employees sleeping in a hotel room – this is all incredibly inappropriate behavior for an employer and for the professional you claim to be.  Not just when the Bravo cameras are up, but always. Face it, honey. You might be great at selling insurance, but you need to learn boundaries and behave with a little more dignity and professionalism.

On to Alex…

Alex, I love ya. You rock. I respect the way you juggle home, family, and career. But, honey, if the first episode is just a taste of the way you behaved toward Jill Zarin throughout the filming for this season, then I gotta say it: You need to pick your battles more wisely.

I get that Jill irritates you. She irritates most of America. I get that she was one nasty vindictive shrew towards you last season, and I get that her behavior at the reunion made us all want to bitch slap her sideways. I get that she left a nasty review about your book on Amazon under “Susan Saunders”. I get that she’s been slinging darts at you and Simon via the press all summer. I get that she went after your kids…and I know it’s almost impossible to forgive that, even when you can forgive other things.

But, honey? That’s Jill. And she ain’t gonna change, no matter how much she says she has or will or is thinking about it.

When you nitpick little things, you’re sinking to her level…and you are better than that.

So she lent her name to a charity (and probably donated the rock bottom minimum) without planning to do any of the actual work? That’s Jill. No one expects her to actually develop a social conscience.

So she told two different stories about whether she knew you were coming to this wedding or not? That’s Jill. No one expects her to be honest.

Jill isn’t worth your frustration, Alex. Turn it around and put it toward something positive. You’ll be accomplishing something worthwhile while she’s still floundering in Skweezwear.

Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife, the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

Posted in Alex McCord, Real Housewives of New York, Real Housewives of Orange County, Vicki Gunvalson | 6 Comments

And We’re Baack…RHoNY Season 4

I’ve been waiting for this season…

The high points: Ramona has wine with her name on it.  (Seriousiy, wasn’t there always wine somewhere with Ramona’s name on it?) She gives bad interview. LuAnn is still dating the French David Schwimmer. Sonia is still focused on sex. And we got to meet the new gal, who seemed cool, but since we now know she is BFF’s with Jill Zarin, she’s already lost our interest.

The nitty gritty:

"Once Bethenny got married and had a baby, she dropped me." <sniffle, sniffle, boo hoo>

Jill wailed on about Bethenny, and even wiped a non existent tear from her cheek. She insists that it was Bethenny who dropped her because she got married and had a baby and didn’t have time for Jillsy anymore…even though Jill took care of Bethenny and gave her a place to live, and put food in her mouth, yadda yadda.

But, wait…remember this?

"You know what, Bethenny? We are done. Have a nice day."

Weird how that happened even before Bethenny got engaged or pregnant. Could Jill be rewriting history? Say it ain’t so.

That Jill. Always kidding around and saying “we’re done” when what she really means is “We’re done, until I say we’re not done, and then we’re only half done, like when you pour Coke on the rest of your food so you won’t be tempted to eat it.”

In the midst of all this was Kelly. You know Kelly. She’s the gift that keeps on giving.

"Zzzzt..."

“The last time I saw Ramona, she called me crazy. I don’t need to be diagnosed by someone who isn’t a doctor. No one should call anyone else crazy.”

"Wait...must...discuss...with...myself..."

“Did I call the other women crazy? Yes. Did I call them deranged? Yes. Did I call them sick? Yes. Did I call them creepy? Yes. Am I a doctor? I graduated from Columbia.  Am I nuts? Yes. Am I a real author? No. Am I an equestrian? Well, I ride the plastic horse in my living room. Do I steal other people’s jewelry designs? Uh, no! Yes! Maybe! Do I want to be Bethenny? Yes. Zzzzt…”

"Zzzzt..."

"Zzzt..."

"Uh...zzzt..."

Moving on…Kelly said that Alex and Simon would attend the opening of an envelope. Even if we hadn’t heard that expression 4,316 times before, it wouldn’t have been funny. But it WAS interesting that Kelly, who would run over her own mother to strike a pose on any step and repeat she can find, was speaking while attending the same envelope opening that she was criticizing Alex and Simon for.  Id-i-ot.

Then we have Jill making a big fuss because Alex and Simon attended the same wedding that Jill was invited to. Even though Jill knew ahead of time that they would be there, for some unfathomable reason, she pretended that she was “shocked” when they arrived and almost “fainted” into poor Bawby’s arms.  Well, WTH was that about? I mean, seriously, Jill-so what if Alex and Simon attend? It’s not like they crashed YOUR wedding. I’m sure they would have preferred that you not be there, but we didn’t see them whining about it.

Running true to Jill form, she tried to slough Alex off with some blather about how she “forgot” they were coming. Yeah, right.

Apparently, according to Simon, Jill also had a fit at the bride for throwing the reception at the house that Jill and Bawby used to own. It’s really unclear why that upset Jill, but allegedly, she expected the bride to move the reception at the last minute because Jill was nonsensically offended. The bride refrained from bowing to Jill Zarin’s demands.

Think about that for a second, m-kay? It doesn’t get much ruder than that, folks. Jill referred to the bride as “a friend of hers”, but I’m willing to bet the bride, if she was watching this episode, was thinking “Not so much.”

Then we got this gem:

"No matter what anyone says, I will be nice and kind...I can change, and I have changed."

Really, Jill? Let’s see how nice and kind and changed Jill is…

"That fucking bitch, Alex McCord..."

Nice?

"She's a bitch. Look at her...she's socializing at a party that's so above her..."

Kind?

"Who are Ramona and Alex to be wearing ivory? No one else here is wearing white or ivory..."

Changed?

Jill now claims that she said those things to a producer and not in front of the cameras. So what? She knew she had a mike on when she said them. She’s not new to the show. As usual, Jill refuses to own what she says. It’s, you know, “editing”…

By the way, Jill…

Don’t you ever get tired of being wrong, Jill?

The real gem of the evening came with “Watch What Happens Live”, where Ramona and Andy kicked Jill’s ass, and Jill and her pudgy midsection showed up in haute couture:

Okay. I’m kidding. It wasn’t really haute couture. Ain’t she just so 80′s Madonna? That spare tire makes me want to run out and buy her Skweez Couture right. this. second.

Don’t forget to tune into the “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog by LynnNChicago, Reality Crack House by our favorite Real City Housewife (I love her observations!), the always fun Reality Chopped, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

View Episode 1 Here

A special note of congratulations to Alex McCord on her new modeling career. KooKoo’s talking head made the comment that one doesn’t need to be pretty to be a model, merely photogenic. Don’t listen to KooKoo, Alex. You got it both going on.

Stay Tuned…

Posted in Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Real Housewives of New York | 4 Comments

The Systematic (Tweeting) Cowardice of Jill Zaarriinn…

Oh, those tweets of Jill Zaarriinn…
I wish those cowards would show themselves. Scared little people with only evil running thru them.“
Oh, c’mon, Jill. Surely you can come up with an original buzzword instead of stealing “coward” from Shana Hughes Taylor Ford Armstrong. What’s next? “I’ll get you, my pretty”?
But wait! It gets better. If you buy a copy of the paperback version of Jill’s novelette book, you might win a phone call from Jill herself! Isn’t that exciting? Didn’t you just break out in goosebumpies at the thought of that nasal whine on the other end of your phone? Personally, I’d rather gouge my own eyes out with a spork.
As an added bonus, the paperback version of her novelette book contains a new chapter on how to bully people. I think that’s fantastic and all, and I’m sure that will help her give away sell at least three copies, but honestly. We all know she’s going to show us how to refine the technique of bullying on the upcoming season of RHoNY, so why waste 99 cents on the novelette book?
I resent her implication that I only have evil running through my veins. I’m pretty damn irritable, too.
When it comes to “showing” the nasty…well, that’s why Bravo has you, Jill Zaarriinn: the mudder of nationwide nasty.
Or maybe Jill was Tweeting that to “Susan Saunders”? You all remember “Susan Saunders”, right? The “coward” who “hid behind her computer screen” to threaten an honest reviewer on Amazon for thinking Jill Zaarriinn’s novelette book was just a teeny tiny bit shallow and self serving? Gosh, did they ever find out who “Susan Saunders” really was? Hmmm…let me think…
Now, here’s the real shocker of the evening:
Went to dentist. He was honest old fashioned guy. I grind my teeth! I need night guard. Ugly! At least no root canal. Ok to fly.
Witch Hazel grinds her teeth? <sarcasm>No freaking way!</sarcasm> The visual is just too good: curlers, cold cream, and ol’ Endora grinding away on that night guard as she plots and rants and tries to remember the name of the person she isn’t forgiving this week.
The other gem tonight:
Someone rightfully Tweeted to Jill that her constant bragging about how great she thinks she is and how much money she wastes on trying to fill the emptiness of her life with grandiose items is more than a little disgusting in a country hit hard by recession and unemployment.
Jill Zaarriinn’s response?

“so Knit hats and sell them but please don’t follow me.“

“Knit hats and sell them”. That’s her answer to unemployment and recession. The woman is f**king brilliant. WHY does the Nobel Committee keep overlooking her for the Medal in Economics, I wonder?

Be sure to visit LynnNChicago’s “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog, the always fun Reality ChoppedReal City Housewife, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

P.S.: How long will it take for Jill Zaarriinn to use “systematic cowardice” in a Tweet? Any bets?

P.P.S.: If the spacing of the paragraphs looks wonky, it’s not my fault. It’s WordPress being all goofy.

Posted in Real Housewives of New York, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Beverly Hills Reunion, Part 1

Okaaay…

Taylor says that she doesn’t know what “going Oklahoma” on someone’s ass means. She has no idea. Apparently, Taylor talks out her ass more than we realized.

She also said that Kim “needs to learn some manners”. Really? From what I saw, Taylor was the one acting like trash the entire season, not Kim. The most offensive thing Kim said all season was advising Taylor to blow up her lips some more, which was actually funny.

Taylor then advised Kim “not to bring my charity into this”. Kim hadn’t mentioned Taylor’s “charity” once. What she did mention was that Taylor, the anti domestic violence advocate, didn’t hesitate to threaten Kim with physical violence during their argument in New York. Yeah, Taylor, that IS the way you came across…and it IS clearly the way you intended to come across.

When you get that dictionary, Taylor, look up “hypocrite”. That you claim to have never physically harmed anyone in your life is irrelevant. Threatening violence isn’t okay, especially for someone who publicly advocates against it.

Taylor also makes the claim that those who “hide behind their computers” are cowards. Okay, Ms. Shana Hughes Taylor  Ford Armstrong (or SHTFA: Shut The F**k Up Already, as we call her around my house) …what category does lying about who you are and making up false identities to scam people fall into-bravery? Just curious.

Taylor added that she doesn’t feel she needs to remove her lip implants. She prefers looking like that? Eesh.

I don’t consider Camille Grammer to be the “most hated Housewife”. That honor still falls on Jill Zaaarriinn. Actually, I have sympathy for Camille. I don’t care much for her…she still comes across as supercilious…but it doesn’t seem like she deserved the way Kelsey ultimately treated her. Regardless of her personality flaws, a wife of thirteen years, who helped the husband in his battle for sobriety and gave him two beautiful children, deserves better.

Careful, Kelsey. Remember Betty Broderick?

Careful, Camille. You can’t pin ALL your poor behavior on the breakdown of the marriage. Especially Allison DuBois. Seriously, switch your brain to “logical”, m-kay? The woman is a complete fake and a nasty shrew to boot. Now that “Medium” is history, cut her loose, Camille.

Lisa and Adrienne…well, I like them. I think everyone but Kim and Kyle needs to shut up about Kim’s alleged drinking problem, though. Let the two sisters address it. Let KIM address it.

Personally, I enjoy Adrienne and Paul’s bickering.  It’s funny. I’ve yet to sense any real hostility or malice between them. They clearly adore their sons and are happy with their life together.

Kim held it together well during the first part of the reunion. It was interesting to watch Taylor invent excuses, but the woman is just nasty. Kim’s got her number, absolutely. So do Lisa and Adrienne.

I don’t agree that the season was set up to make Camille look bad, and I don’t believe that Kyle did anything more than ask a few questions about Camille’s plans for spring break to be polite. Camille’s story about that conversation seems to change from day to day. I can understand why Camille thought Kyle meant something darker-her marriage was breaking up, her husband had rejected her in a very cruel way, and she was vulnerable and hurting. I don’t think Camille is intentionally lying about what Kyle said, but I do think she misconstrued Kyle’s intent.

Camille managed to look bad all on her own, with her comments and behavior. But, to be honest, she was going through a bad time almost from the moment the cameras went up-it will be interesting to see, if she comes back for another season, if she behaves differently.

Kyle, you really need to lay off your sister. If Kim has a drinking problem, I know the frustration of dealing with that on a daily basis-and the anger that comes with it-but verbally abusing Kim and treating her like dirt every time you see her doesn’t help.

Kim may need help with an alcohol problem, but Kyle needs help with anger management. When it comes to alcoholism, neither the alcoholic or their family members can emerge unscathed, even when the person is on the road to sobriety, and therapy and family counseling are a positive way to resolving the conflicts.

C’mon, Kyle. You are a beautiful, smart woman with everything going for you, but everyone can use a little help. Give therapy a try and quit taking your anger out on Kim. Surely the two of you can find a better path if you BOTH learn to deal with your own issues, instead of blaming each other for them.

And I don’t mean psychic therapy. What is it with these Housewives, that they buy into that crap? Jeez, go spend the money on something pretty instead. When it comes to enabling frauds, isn’t working with Taylor enough?

Can you tell I don’t like Taylor? I don’t. Fakedy fake faker. It’s interesting how she went from “I didn’t stir the pot” to “If I could rewind, I would” when it came to her private conversation with Camille in New York. That was as laughable as her advice to Kim at her birthday party: “it’s my party, so you stay away from me”.after Kim asked to be left alone. Funny, because what I saw was Kim sitting quietly with a friend and Taylor approaching her and then getting in Kim’s face with a self righteous attitude, not the other way around.

Fakey Fakerson.

Stay tuned for Part 2…

Be sure to visit LynnNChicago’s “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog, the always fun Reality Chopped,Real City Housewife, and The Really Old Housewives of Manatee County.

Posted in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills | 8 Comments